Seriously, folks. It's all right here, perfectly backed up by "proper" science and not at all bat-sh!t insane.
... with thanks to my friend Larry Rampulla, and apologies to whomever he stole this from:
Helium will be up. Feathers will go down. Paper will remain stationery. Fluorescent tubing will be dimmed in light trading. Knives will be up sharply. Cows will steer us into a bull market. Pencils expect to lose a few points. Hiking equipment will be trailing. Elevators rise, while escalators continue in another slow decline.
Weights will be up in heavy trading. Light switches will be off. Mining equipment expected to hit rock bottom. Diapers will naturally remain unchanged. Shipping lines will stay at an even keel. The market for raisins will dry up. Coca Cola continues to fizzle. Caterpillar stock may inch up a bit. Sun Systems will peak at midday.
Balloon prices will be inflated. Scott Tissue continues to touch new bottoms. And batteries may explode attempting to recharge the market.
